


In Motion Again

by slartibartfast



Category: due South
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-19
Updated: 2009-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-03 09:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slartibartfast/pseuds/slartibartfast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set post-CotW. Everything falls apart and Ray is lost without his mountie at his side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Motion Again

hey had thought everything would be so perfect on their adventure. Caught in the grip of that blind attraction of budding love and all that romantic bullshit, they couldn't see the roadblocks ahead. And who would?

But out in the great white nothing they had no buffer between them and the worst of their habits. Ray started twitching every time Fraser did that stoic explanation thing, and Fraser rubbed at his eyebrow every time Ray chewed at the dry skin around his nails. It wasn't much, but it was enough. The arguments started and they got out of control, almost put their life at risk when they shouted too loud too close to loose snow.

So afterwards, Ray Kowalski flew back to Chicago, and Benton Fraser didn't. They didn't discuss it which, in retrospect, was a bit idiotic.

Ray was really fucking good at idiotic.

-

It took a year, but Ray managed to stop thinking about Fraser every hour or so. He stopped turning his head to tell the Mountie something interesting or inane. He stopped reaching down under the table for Dief whenever he ate a donut. He stopped feeling as if the whole of Chicago was empty because there was no red serge to fill up his sight and his mind.

He stopped waiting for Fraser to call him.

 

And then he was free, or that's what he told himself. He disappeared just like Fraser had, with nothing but a nod and a thank you for the good times.

He didn't tell anyone where he was going because he didn't know himself.

With his cell in the trash and cash in the wallet Fraser'd given him when his own disintegrated, he left Chicago.

-

When Stella left him, Ray ran so far he ended up in someone else's life. Worked out well, in the end, only then it didn't and he had to run again.

But this time there was no one to pretend to be, no perfectly constructed life to slip into quietly, so he had that breakdown he'd been hiding from.

-

In a small town near Atlanta Ray stopped running. He hadn't spoken to Fraser for two years now. He was tired and he was running out of money, so he got himself a crappy apartment and looked for a job. Briefly, he considered becoming a cop again, but it was too late for that. They'd never have him back after this little mental breakdown.

Truth was there was a gap so large in him since Fraser left that everyone around him noticed and stepped away from him as though they might fall in if they got too close. He was a fucking black hole and apparently black holes are really undesirable in the world of work.

He got an interview to work in some office but then he ran into a husky with a particularly wolfish look and spent the next three days at the bottom of a bottle.

Weirdly, he didn't get the job.

-

So slowly Ray Kowalski's life fell apart and there was no one to pick up the pieces.

Until one day, there was.

-

The knock at the door was not only unexpected, it was downright terrifying. Ray hadn't spoken to anyone where for a week and there wasn't anyone but his landlord - a short, plump guy with wild black hair - who even knew where he lived. He kept himself to himself and he didn't bother no one, and they didn't bother him.

No one should be knocking on the damn door, is the point.

Ray put his drink on the table. When there was another sharp knock he pushed himself to unsteady feet, but he was barefoot and that felt wrong. There might be running.

There had been a lot of running, he remembered. And swimming. And jumping.

So on went ratty old shoes and out came the gun. Someone knocked again, perfectly rhythmic and evenly spaced, nothing like the quiet tapping of his landlord that one time. He swallowed hard against the sour taste in his mouth and opened the door.

The sight that greeted him forced him back, a physical push that had Ray stumbling almost to the ground, but he kept the gun extended and his finger on the trigger.

To Fraser's credit, the Mountie didn't flinch. His eyes were fixed unerringly upon Ray's face, an intense stare that softened with obvious concern but not a lick of fear even with the gun a foot from his face. His tongue flicked out to lick his lower lip and he stood stock still, perfectly framed in the doorway. "Ray. Ray, Ray, Ray," he said as though he'd forgotten how to say it and had to practice. He took a deep breath. "…Do you have a permit for that gun?"

The question was such a ridiculous greeting that Ray laughed. It wasn't a pleasant sound. "Yeah, Fraser, I've got a permit." It was a little out of date but screw Fraser if he thought he could come all this way and then arrest him or something.

He seemed so much larger than life, there at the entrance to Ray's seriously shitty post-breakdown life. Though he wasn't wearing his red serge, he lit up a beacon and cast harsh, unforgiving light on the darkness and dirt that had taken over here.

Ray hated him for it.

"Could I perhaps come in for a short while?" Fraser asked, polite as ever, face dead serious. His eyes were back on his face but his attention was clearly on the gun outstretched. "I believe we have much to discuss."

"We really fucking don't," Ray snapped. His hand was shaking and he knew, he _knew_ that was bad with a piece in his grip but he couldn't let go, frozen to the spot, heart jumping out of his skinny ribs and eyes filling. Then Fraser stepped forward, slow and careful and fucking _smiling_, all caring and so damn calm and just eased the gun from his hand.

Ray let his shaking hand drop uselessly to his side as Fraser unloaded the gun.

"It has taken me quite a while to find you, Ray," he said. Ray didn't move and didn't make a sound, just stared and wondered if he was hallucinating. "For that, I apologize."

"You've been looking for me?" Ray asked. His voice sounded rougher than it should and the sound of it seemed to inflict a flicker of pain across Fraser's face that would have been satisfying if it wasn't so damn heartbreaking. "Well. You found me. I'm alive. You can go now."

"I'm not going anywhere," Fraser said, pushing the door shut with a loud click behind him. He took a cautious step towards Ray and reached out a hand, fingertips tracing down Ray's rough stubble.

Ray sagged, then. The weight of everything just piled up and he buckled under it, weak as he was. With shoulders hunched and head hung low, he slumped down onto the couch.

Fraser seemed uncertain, holding his hat between his hands like a shield, hair perfect beneath it as usual. He looked exactly the same, Ray realized as he looked up. No older, same clothes, maybe a little thinner. He was serious-faced and awkward as he sat at his side. "Ray. Ray, please listen to me."

"Will you go away if I don't?"

A pause. "I'll leave if that's what you wish."

The bastard would, too. After looking for Ray for god knows how long he'd just stand up and say his polite farewells and be on his way. It was the sad tint to his voice and the thought of his Mountie leaving _again_ (because he wouldn't survive much longer if people kept leaving on him) that made Ray reconsider, soften slightly. "No. No, Fraser, you can stay."

"I let things get out of hand," said Fraser immediately. "I apologize. I should not have let you return to Chicago without me."

"You wouldn't have been happy there," Ray pointed out.

"Perhaps," he acknowledged, looking down at his hat as he turned it in his hands. "But I believe having you at my side would be more bearable than the circumstances I found myself in."

Ray looked around his apartment, at the hole he'd built up for himself to keep out the world that didn't have Benton Fraser in it, and smiled for the first time in months. "Yeah. Yeah I think I know what you mean there."

A hand settled over his own and the worst of it was over.

-

When they kissed, Ray's life slid back into focus as though he'd finally found his glasses.

And when Fraser took him home, well, maybe it wouldn't be perfect but things seemed a whole lot less hopeless with his partner at his side.


End file.
